How I learned to live peacefully with my decision to cut ties with a parent

Credit to Author: Canadian Immigrant| Date: Thu, 03 Nov 2022 17:26:47 +0000

Tanzania-born Emil Rem, an accountant and the author of two books —Heart of New York and Chasing Aphrodite shares tips on moving forward from a toxic relationship. 

Funny how your perspective changes when you have kids.

Mom, a Muslim within a close-knit community in Africa decided to divorce my Dad (“because he was a bum and a loser”) in 1959. She was ostracized by those around her — how dare a Muslim woman demand a divorce.

With no education, no one willing to hire her, Mom emigrated to England taking me with her. Never returning to Africa, she spent the rest of her life proving to her community back home she was a success, eventually becoming a multi-millionaire. Part of her plan of success was that her son would speak English like an Englishman and attend Oxford or Cambridge.

Unfortunately, her son, taken away from a community that loved and nurtured him, grew timorous and shy in England. Nothing I did ever satisfied her. At school, once having mastered English, I wanted to take language and history. She demanded I study science as the easiest route to Oxbridge. I failed every exam and term. She insisted on taking driving classes. I failed a dozen times.  She said, ” You’re just like your dad — a loser.”

Once an adult, I qualified as an accountant and immediately emigrated to Canada, the farthest from her. She decided to retire and follow me a decade later. I was now married with two boys.

Mom never changed. Nothing I did was good enough.

The break with my mom should have come sooner, but it didn’t…. until she would regularly make my boys cry to a point where they would run off to their rooms as soon as mom arrived. When I saw her dishing out the same abuse to my kids, let alone my wife, a Filipina with a strong belief in respecting her elders, I banned mom from coming home or having any interaction with my family.

This experience has taught me that although difficult, there are ways to approach the decision to cut ties that can help those of us who choose it move forward in peace.  These include:

Accept that people who are toxic will not change. It will help you make peace with your decision.

Give yourself permission to put yourself and your own family first. Doing so might even be crucial since the toxic relationship can be harmful to your spouse and children, too.

Remain humane with your parent if interactions must take place, providing financial or material support for their health if needed.

Remember that regardless of a parent’s toxicity, there may still be reasons to be grateful toward them. This can help keep bitterness in check. I am grateful that my mother brought me to England to could get an education that opened doors to opportunities.

Let go of guilt and shame. And remember, there’s no need to explain yourself to those who don’t understand.  A simple, “it was best for me and my family” will do.

Let the experience teach you what you want to do differently as a parent.

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