Sorry Taylor Swift, Those Are the Cookies You Bake For Your Enemies
Credit to Author: Alex Zaragoza| Date: Wed, 12 Jun 2019 17:23:02 +0000
The estates of Katy Perry and Taylor Swift haven’t known peace in years, only war—bloody, petty, Latex-outfitted war. The hundred years’ war between the two pop stars actually began in 2014, when Swift told Rolling Stone that a certain female singer who shall remain nameless did her dirty by stealing a bunch of her employees, inspiring her revenge anthem “Bad Blood.” Perry responded with a Mean Girls reference on Twitter. More subtweeting ensued as they stared out of windows while wearing Gothic gowns, waiting for their foot soldiers to bring word of their foes’ demise. Then, cookies happened.
Perry posted a photo on Instagram on Tuesday of a plate of what appears to be chocolate chip cookies. Scribbled on the plate in big block letters using bright red decorative icing are the words “peace at last” in between two peace signs. The photo is captioned “Let’s be friends,” with Swift tagged in the photo. Perry wrote “feels good 🧡 @taylorswift” in the comments, to which Swift responded with a flurry of fluttering heart emojis. The sender and receiver of the sugary white flag remains unknown, but it appears that war is over. Peace is now a welcomed friend in their respective households. Or so they’d like you to think. Looking at those cookies—these pale, sad-looking cookies—it’s hard to believe that the bad blood is gone. No, these cookies prove that the blood of everyone involved’s blood continues to boil with pure disdain.
Look at these atrocious things. Katheryn Elizabeth Hudson and Taylor Alison Swift surely have the means to spring for some Levain chocolate chip cookies, or Ladurée macarons flown in via private jet from Paris (or the one in Beverly Hills is probably fine too), or even some Pillsbury cookies if it would mean spreading love and forgiveness to a supposed former nemesis. Any of those would be a flex! But these cookies? These uncooked slaps to the face of Betty Crocker look like they were baked by the heat of a lightbulb over the course of 5 hours in a busted Easy-Bake Oven. They look like one of the ingredients is fat-free Lactaid and the other ingredient is dirt. If you kicked a ball into these cookies’ backyard, you’d get it back with a knife stuck in it holding a note that says “your dad is having an affair.”
These cookies are a Trojan horse, appearing to be an olive branch—but within their confectionery ingredients lurks pure malice. These are the kind of cookies you bring to the work potluck to celebrate the promotion of some bitch you hate. These cookies are the edible embodiment of a forced smile, or telling someone they look tired, or asking a woman if she’s pregnant when she is very much not. Should Swift or Perry take a bite into one of these monsters, they’d find raisins or rocks or bugs in them instead of chocolate chips.
No, the feud is not over. Judging by these cookies, the war is clearly still on. The old Taylor, with her pastel pantsuits and basic ass wing mural poses, is not dead. The petty lives strong in this one, as it does in Perry. If one of them should send a basket of brownies, there might not be survivors.
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This article originally appeared on VICE US.