We Reviewed Every Band Playing Coachella 2020
Credit to Author: Noisey Staff| Date: Fri, 03 Jan 2020 20:02:20 +0000
The post-holiday hangover isn't the only thing we're weathering this first week of January. Like clockwork, this time of year also means that the Coachella lineup has dropped. It comes as a welcome distraction for those who are worried about impending World War and also dig big-box music festivals, especially so for Californians with trust funds, A-to-F-list celebrities, and a whole slew of diverse artists with booking agents they probably won't fire this year. We're back with another totally accurate and deadly serious review of every single artist on the bill. Read up and please don't get mad at us. (Or do. We don't care.)
(Sandy) Alex G
Beto O’Rourke pissy pants are optional.
100 gecs
21 Savage
How much money for a second row lineup slot? (A lot.)
88rising’s Double Happiness
In this economy?
Adam Port
Adam's gonna port you to sleep with this set.
Alec Benjamin
Alec Baldwin's alter ego. He plays the saxophone; he wears tracksuits and Kangol hats and Ray-Bans; he, too, is a total asshole.
Ali Gatie
More like Nah-lie Gatie.
Altın Gün
This festival needs Gün Control.
Amber Mark
Watch an act without two first names instead.
Amyl and the Sniffers
Probably the only overtly poppers-themed band booked this year.
Anitta
For the love of God, do not bring out the Black Eyed Peas during your set.
ANNA
Isn’t Luc Besson cancelled?
Anna Calvi
Are we sure this isn’t the scammer The Cut wrote about?
Ari Lennox
If you can’t make her set, watch her on IG Live. It’s better than anything on Disney+.
Aya Nakamura
The opposite of those bands who hate VWLS.
BADBADNOTGOOD
Pretty accurate name.
Banda MS
Necessary attendance for a quebradita break.
beabadoobee
peepeepoopoo
Beach Bunny
Nice people. Good for them.
Beach Goons
Where I come from, these are called seagulls.
Bedouin
I’ll bedouin something else during their set.
Big Sean
Big Sean once rapped about smoking weed with Rosa Parks while they both held guns, and managed to make it sound lame as hell. Just a reminder in case you forgot.
Big Wild
Someone stole my college nickname and called their band that. Cool.
BIGBANG
Objectively the best Big performing.
Bishop Briggs
Holding out for The Young Pope.
black midi
[more dial-up noises]
Black Pumas
I have a pair of these. They're dope.
Black Coffee
Delicious.
BROCKHAMPTON
Jumpsuits much?
Calvin Harris
Who keeps asking for this?
Caribou
We also remember the FIFA 11 soundtrack.
Cariño
Ño thank you.
Carly Rae Jepsen
Give-Carly-Rey-Skywalker-a-lightsaber challenge.
Cashmere Cat
Probably on After Christmas sale right now with Fleece Foxes.
Channel Tres
This is CBS in most parts of the country.
Charli XCX
Most likely to still use XD and :3.
Chelsea Cutler
They make one of these on Great British Bake Off?
Chicano Batman
Playing on the Foos Gone Wild Alternativo Stage.
Chris Liebing
Another vegan DJ but thank god it isn’t Moby.
City Girls
There's an easy joke to be made here wherein we replace "City" with a poop-related adjective used to describe something bad, but we're not doing it. City Girls rule.
Code Orange
Conan O’Brien DJ set.
Conan Gray
Conan O’Brien emo set.
Crumb
I’VE BECOME SO CRUMB I CAN’T FEEL YOU THERE
Cuco
Also playing the Foos Gone Wild Alternativo Stage. Fuck, this lineup on the Foos Gone Wild Alternativo Stage slaps.
DaBaby
Not without a legal guardian.
Damian Lazarus
Not even Jesus could raise our hopes for this set.
Daniel Caesar
Better live than on Instagram Live.
Danny Elfman
If he doesn’t play The Simpsons theme, the people will riot.
Daphni
Velma was already booked.
Dave
All rappers should honestly just have regular ass names. Greg. Phil. Andrew. Let’s just get regular as fuck out here.
Denzel Curry
Pretty good.
Detlef
Extremely disappointed that this isn’t Schrempf.
Disclosure
Full disclosure: You could just listen to classic house records at home.
Dixon
What everyone called Richard Nixon behind his back.
DJ Koze
If he doesn't play his entire set in a Snuggie I'm walking.
DJ Lord
Me sighah.
Doja Cat
🐄🐄🐄
Dom Dolla
Back at it again with the white dance music.
Duck Sauce
Happy 2010!
Duke Dumont
Duke DoNot.
Ed Maverick
It's just Ed Sheeran watching Top Gun.
ela minus
If you wrote this on a math test you’d get like half a point.
Ellen Allien
This is what happens when you storm Area 51.
Emo Nite
Pretty terrible party tbh.
Emotional Oranges
Emotional Oranges: The Best of Blood Orange
Epik High
What in the 2009 kind of name is this?
Erick Morillo
Erick? You only get one, man: C or K. You have to choose.
Ezra Collective
This is just Animal Collective covering Better Than Ezra's seminal 1996 album Friction Baby in its entirety.
Fatboy Slim
You think it's the funk soul brother guy but it's just my Italian neighbor.
FKA twigs
Actually, it’s pronounced fucka twigs.
Floating Points
Hopefully not a hoax like the Shanghai New Year's Eve drone show.
Flume
Everyone watch your asses. No ass is safe.
Fontaines D.C.
We’ll be seeing “Boys in the Better Band” instead.
Frank Ocean
$10 says he doesn’t show up lol
Freddie Gibbs & Madlib
Freddie Gibbs once threatened to blow up someone’s mother’s home on Twitter so gonna refrain from joking here.
Friendly Fires
There are no friendly fires in climate change.
GG Magree
I think we can all magree this set will be trash.
girl in red
lowercase doesn’t automatically make you cooler
Giselle Woo & the Night Owls
More like Giselle BOO amirite
GRiZ
Grizzly Bear's experimental side project, in which Daniel Rossen plays the banjo and Chris Taylor just plays the flute. Absolutely unlistenable.
Guy Laliberté
Why is the billionaire co-founder of Cirque du Soleil here? Who OK’d this?
Hatsune Miku
✧・ﾟ:* ｡◕ ‿ ◕｡ *:・ﾟ✧
Hayden James
If you go to this show you're gonna be hayden what you hear. I am currently hayden myself for making this joke.
Hot Chip
Doritos® Sweet Chili Heat
IDLES
Never fight a man with a 5 p.m. slot at the Gobi tent.
Inner Wave
A post new-wave, pre no-wave, proto post-wave, anti-chillwave trashcore nü-metal band. Definitely worth checking out.
J.I.D
More like J.I.Z.
Jai Wolf
Bai Wolf.
Jayda G
You shouldn’t Payda C this.
Jessie Reyez
Guess who isn’t going to Reyez the roof…
Joji
High in antioxidants!
Kim Petras
More like Kim PetrASS amirite
King Gizzard & the Lizard Wizard
Their new album, King Gizzard & the Lizard Wizard 2: Revenge of Bing Blizzard and the Liver Fizzer is actually pretty good.
Koffee
Also delicious.
Kruder & Dorfmeister
More like Kruder and Dorkmeister.
Kyary Pamyu Pamyu
She’ll fit right in.
Kyle Watson
“I’m a DJ and my stage name is Kyle Watson” – Kyle Watson.
Kynda Black
Kynda not at all excited for this set.
L'Impératrice
N’importe quoi.
Lana Del Rey
Just a reminder that she’s dating a cop.
Lane 8
Lane ain't gonna make it to this one.
Lauren Daigle
Somehow Bishop Briggs isn’t the artist on this lineup who makes Christian Pop.
Ленинград (Leningrad)
нет, спасибо
Lewis Capaldi
Dude was great on Doctor Who.
Lil Nas X
This guy has like six songs. Can’t wait for 45 minutes of Old Town Road on loop.
Lil Uzi Vert
This set is gonna be a real snoozy vert we can tell you that much.
Lost Kings
They hand out maps as soon you get to the festival grounds… You’ll be fine, king.
Louis the Child
This isn’t Lewis Capaldi?
Luttrell
I would Luttrelly rather eat a bug than watch this set.
Madeon
Madeon’t waste your time and energy.
Malaa
Our review of this band, en español: Mal. Aaaa!!!!!
Mannequin Pussy
From the studio that brought you Superbad and Good Boys comes…
Mariah the Scientist
All she wants for Christmas is to achieve human cloning.
Marina
Marina’s gems were cut from her stage name.
Masego
I'masego watch something else that's actually worth your time.
Matoma
The nicest thing we can say about this is that it’s B-Team Walk The Moon.
Megan Thee Stallion
After tonight, Coachella gotta rename Coachella to Kneechella!
Melé
…kalikimaka is the THING to saaay on a briiight Hawaiian Christmas day…
MIKA
This is Mika Brezinksi's stage name. Her duet with Joe Scarborough is going to be fire.
Monolink
Like GoldLink, only he's broke. Can only afford 1/24th of a chain.
Mura Masa
By far the best artist from Guernsey on the lineup this year.
NIKI
NIKI, go lose that number.
Nilüfer Yanya
Nilüfer Yanya? I barely know her!
Noname
This is actually just a meet-up for her book club.
Olivia O’Brien
Oh brother.
Omar Apollo
This guy should be sent to go live on the moon.
ONYVAA
WHEN YOU CAN'T COME UP WITH A GOOD BAND NAME I GUESS YOU JUST MASH A BUNCH OF CAPITAL LETTERS TOGETHER INCOHERENTLY LIKE SSBJBNDFK.
Orville Peck
Good popcorn.
Pabllo Vittar
Drag em!
Paco Osuna
Fun fact: This is what they call Pac Sun in Spain.
Peggy Gou
Time to Gou to bed.
Pink Sweat$
Would much rather just watch P!nk silently run on a treadmill for 20 minutes until she started sweating than suffer through this set.
Princess Nokia
Is there a Prince Nokia?
PUP
If this big box festival doesn’t kill them, their punk fans will.
Rage Against the Machine
Fuck you I won’t do what you tell me (see Rage Against The Machine play Coachella).
Raveena
Ranked a top nine eczema cream on Amazon.
Rex Orange County
Finally the TikTok generation has their own Randy Newman.
Rich Brian
If I was a rich Brian, na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na…
Roddy Ricch
Woddy Whicch?
Run the Jewels
More like Run the Drools amirite
Sahar Z
More like Sahar Zzzzz amirite ha ha ha ha man I love this format
Sama’
Free Palestine.
Sampa the Great
Says who?
Sara Landry
Clear eyes, full hearts, can’t lose.
Sasha Sloan
At least she looks cool.
Satori
My guy definitely has a mistranslated Japanese tattoo.
SebastiAn
Not greAt.
Seun Kuti & Egypt 80
Whole lot of names that start with an “S” booked this year.
Skegss
You can smell the farts from their press photo alone.
SLANDER
They named their band in anticipation of this list. We respect the foresight.
Sleaford Mods
A bit shit, innit?
slowthai
*eats a bean sandwich* oh hell yeah.
Snail Mail
You telling me a snail delivered this mail?
Steve Lacy
Still, somehow, going through the “s” names.
Summer Walker
We refuse to slander our queen, sorry.
Swae Lee
If we sit through this entire set and the pet monkey doesn’t make one appearance, we riot.
Tchami
Tnope
Testpilot
If you rearrange the letters in this band name like an anagram, you get Toilet Tsp., which is what they sound like. A teaspoon of toilet.
The Chats
If you’re not already Smoko Hive, get on that.
The Comet Is Coming
And I hope it lands directly in the middle of these guys' time slot.
The HU
Won’t get fooled again.
The Martinez Brothers
Wild that they’re sitting in the background of that NBA card.
The Murder Capital
It’s actually quite nice this time of year.
The Regrettes
They sure are.
Thom Yorke | Tomorrow's Modern Boxes
This is just two hours of Thom Yorke unboxing Apple products and castigating them.
Tiga
Five bucks says about 40 people show up to this set expecting to see Tyga and wind up super disappointed.
TNGHT
Vowels are not your enemy.
TOKiMONSTA
Love Digimon.
Travis Scott
The suburbs been waiting on this one.
Viagra Boys
So that’s U2’s name now.
VNSSA
CRLTN?
Weyes Blood
People think it's pronounced "ways blood" but it's actually "wise blood," proving Weyes Blood is Nine Trey.
Whipped Cream
What is this? A sex tip list from the 70s?
Yaeji
This is that K-pop band that exclusively covers YG songs right
YBN Cordae
An 8-year-old SoundCloud rapper whose latest single "FUCK YOU MOM GIMME A FRUIT ROLL UP" just put him in the running for XXL's Freshman Class.
YUNGBLUD
Exactly what Jeff Bezos orders from inside his hyperbaric chamber.
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This article originally appeared on VICE US.