We Reviewed Literally Whatever You Sent Us, Volume 25
Credit to Author: Colin Joyce| Date: Wed, 08 May 2019 16:46:23 +0000
Every month we open the floodgates to the plebs on Twitter, inviting you send us whatever you want us to review. It always goes super well and you’ve definitely never sent us anything gross or illegal. Well guess what, we have a new website now, so Colin Joyce, Trey Smith, and Drew Schwartz were tasked with wading through all the muck you sickos have stored on your hard drives. Except, wait, you actually sent us some good music this time? That can’t be right.
Colin: The only Marvel movies I’ve seen are Black Panther and Ant-Man, so I’m pretty afraid that I’ve accidentally introduced some Endgame spoilers here off the bat. Are people going to beat me up? Should we blur this picture?
Drew: I think we just lean into it. As someone who’s seen Endgame, I can say with authority that this is, in fact, the way the whole thing ends. Thanos turns into a mouse, and then he uses the Infinity Stones to transform every living being into a mouse, and the movie basically just becomes Marvel’s version of The Rescuers. Sorry, everybody. Don’t blame us for ruining it—blame Twitter user Marcux Brown.
Trey: This is how Stuart Little should have ended too.
Drew: Truly remarkable. The suspense at the beginning here is riveting; the slow trot of the dog promising; the abrupt tonal shift and rapid acceleration deeply satisfying, and deeply, deeply weird. I’m also impressed with how whoever engineered this whole thing kept that fake baby from falling off the dog, and kept the fake baby’s cig from flying out of its mouth. Ten out of ten.
Colin: The Kentucky Derby looks so much different than I remember.
Trey: The soundtrack. The way the doll’s head is shaking. The fact that there is more than one good boy in here. Give this all the Oscars.
(On a more serious note greyhound racing is super messed up and adopting dogs is always a good idea.)
Colin: I would never besmirch the name of one of the most influential rappers of a generation, but I don’t know how you could come away from this convinced that Soulja Boy has ever seen any anime at all. He claims to be like “Cowboy Bebop” when he’s “blastin'” but clearly he should know that the character’s name is Spike?
Drew: I like the part where Soulja Boy starts listing characters from Dragon Ball Z, and then just gives up really quickly: “I’m lookin’ like Vegeta man / lookin’ like Gohan / lookin’ like Piccolo / lookin’ like anime.” I, too, am convinced that Soulja Boy is a fraud in this department.
Trey: Rappers lie all the time. Who cares? This slaps.
Colin: Oh yeah, this is definitely one of the best Soulja songs. This and the one where he said “fuck all the army troops.”
Colin: Honestly this is really sick. You would’ve killed in a Captured Tracks band circa 2011. Maybe you could still join Hoop Dreams? Are they still a band?
Drew: Unfortunately they are not, but yes—this song rips, and Ali does, as advertised, shred. I would easily put this on first thing in the morning, or listen to it in the rain at dusk, chain-smoking cigarettes on a screen porch somewhere. Nice and mellow.
Trey: This song makes me feel like Rory Gilmore and I don’t know how I feel about that, but this does, in fact, kick ass and would listen to it again.
Colin: I know the whole “Africa” thing was at least partly our fault, but we’re long past the age of innocence where such a kitschy track could be even remotely funny. Give me Dobby dancing to Merzbeat instead.
Drew: Yeah, I’m over “Africa,” over pretending it’s the best song ever written, over the covers and the thinkpieces and the unceasing barrage of ironic jokes. And yet I find myself unable to stop watching this video. I’ve seen it like twelve times at this point. Dancing Dobby is at once terrifying and mesmerizing—so wrong, and yet so, so right. I hate him. I love him. I can’t look away.
Trey: Read another book.
Drew: Muffled sobbing, constant screaming, a nauseatingly close crop on Anthony Fantano‘s face—all disturbing stuff. I’m going back to watching Dobby dance, only now I’m going to mute “Africa” and play that song by Ali Shreds, which somehow compliments this video perfectly?
Colin: Ok so, I like this, but the central premise of your song is totally wrong. The internet’s busiest melon lives for blown-out, scream-rap garbage. But then, we both know you were just trying to get him to tweet your track by making the song about him. No need to do that friend, you deserve better than pandering to YouTubers.
Trey: This sounds like it was designed for teens to mosh too so it definitely isn’t for me, but I can definitely see the appeal here.
Colin: While I appreciate the industrial quantities of pickled vegetables you have in the door, we can’t ignore that meat is murder. Also, that’s a lotta old takeout in there. Throw it away, you’re never going to eat it, I promise.
Drew: Way, way too much takeout. If you don’t get rid of it soon, your fridge is going to start smelling all weird, and you’ll contaminate the rest of your food with the stench of two-week-old shrimp fried rice and moldy chicken tenders, or whatever the hell it is you have in there. I would ordinarily give this fridge, like, a D—but judging from the Monday Night beer in the door (bottom right corner) and what looks like Publix brand lunch meat on the shelf, I’m going to guess that you live in Atlanta, my hometown, a splendid city. For that, I bump this fridge up to a C+.
Colin: Mmm Publix. Yeah toss those leftovers and go get a sub on their multigrain bread.
Trey: “Oh look at us, Colin and Drew, the fridge experts.”
Don’t listen to them, Twitter user ThatFyeWhiteGuy. This is a perfectly adequate fridge and it looks like you’re ready for many quick cravings that could come your way. I don’t know why they assume that your takeout is old but I won’t disrespect you like that. You need some more fruits and vegetables in there but otherwise you’re fine.
Drew: This dog slaps. Look at his ears! So long, so floppy, so visibly soft. Look at his eyes—the way they’re spaced just a touch too far apart, so it looks like he’s staring off in two different directions. And then, of course, the doggie Stetson, kerchief, and sheriff’s badge, a look that suits him nicely. Who’s a good boy? You are! Yes you are!
Colin: I think technically this dog is a cop, which means I can’t get down with them, sorry.
Trey: It’s not the dog’s faults that cops make them be cops. Full marks to this good boy.
Colin: Ahh I’m such a sucker for nylon-stringed acoustic guitars there’s something about them that’s just so peaceful. This song is like a warm hug—it’s really had to be mad at, even with a heart as cold as mine.
Drew: Her voice is really nice too, those whispery, almost jazzy harmonies. And I like that the arrangement here stays simple throughout; the song builds, but you never get ripped out of the placid, lovely little world you’re transported to. What is that, two good songs already? How is this happening?
Trey: This song feels like smoking a cigarette after a long meeting and that’s the highest compliment that I can pay it.
Colin: It’s got kind of a “Friendship ended with Mudasir” vibe. Now dog food is my best friend.
Drew: Accurate assessment, Colin. It’s wild to think that someone ostensibly got paid to design this label. The fish-meat fill in the lettering for “Salmon” is disturbing. I was also very confused by the age thing. This dog food is 27 years old, but it’s also 24 years old? Either way, you’re advertising that fact? Then I got to the last photo, and my questions were answered, though there’s no chance either of those dogs are in their twenties.
Trey: If someone packaged people food like this I would only buy that brand.
Drew: Given how unbelievably depressing the new Toy Story looks, I wouldn’t be surprised if this was a legitimate still from the movie. Gather round, kids, and watch as Woody masochistically pays for all the world’s sins with his life! Can’t wait for the next installment in this series, Toy Story 5: Woody Is Risen.
Colin: Toy Story kind of is a messianic tale. But I would have pegged Hamm as the Christ figure. Think about it.
Trey:
Colin: This sounds nice, it’s just a bit horny for my tastes. Like, we get it, you’ve had sex one time! Good for you!
Drew: Yeah, the production is honestly pretty tight, and these voices pair well together. But then you had to go and just explicitly say “I want to bang” over and over again. There’s nothing wrong with songs that are fully about having sex when the writing is good—see Elle Varner’s “Soundproof Room“—but on this, I’m afraid, it is not.
Trey: I’ve never had sex before so I can’t relate to this song, but it sounds great.
Colin: Legitimately not used to getting so much competent music in this feature. Some lovely sample twisting here and a grave meditation on morality. A ScHoolboy Q track is autoplaying for me on YouTube after this, which is honestly pretty appropriate company.
Drew: It’s a dark song, but it’s not too heavy-handed. The fact that these lyrics are so difficult to discern initially threw me off, but as soon as I caught a few powerful snatches—notably, “white man want me on the sycamore tree”—it made me want to take a closer listen. The production is crisp, the writing is strong, Saint-Godfrey’s voice is rich and textured, and he’s got nice flow. Solid stuff.
Trey: Yeah you all did a great job with the music submissions this time around. I like this a lot because you can tell that a lot of thought and care went into this song, but you managed to sound pretty effortless on it. Sounds familiar and different at the same time. Post more please.
Drew: I expected this song to be a joke. Turns out it’s, uh, weirdly serious and vaguely sad? I also have a hard time wrapping my head around the idea of crypto making anyone’s “panties drop,” it is literally the least sexy thing in existence.
Colin: Finally, an anthem for your weird roommate who owns multiple (?) Ron Paul t-shirts. This is gonna be a hit on Reddit!
Trey: This is what people think Elon Musk feels like when he wakes up in the morning but I bet it’s actually a lot heavier on the self-loathing.
Drew: I have never personally eaten Spam, but it seems gross and just generally wrong. That said, this painting is fine, I guess? I am confused as to why you chose Spam, of all things, as your subject. Also, are those two identical paintings of Spam below it, combining into some kind of bizarre Spam triptych? If so, why? Who has time for that?
Colin: Ah, more meat content. See above re: murder, etc.
Trey: Oh so you all are art AND Fridge experts now? Spam is tight and its cultural and historic impacts are not appreciated enough. This painting is dope. I like the light around the can and the way all the colours work with each other. They need to take this out of your kitchen and put it in the MoMA. Nice work.
Colin: Yeah Drew, Spam’s all over the world cause of American military imperialism. You can read about it on this very website, duh.
Drew: Whatever, man. I stand by my take.
This article originally appeared on VICE US.