100 Incredibly Serious Ideas to Save Justin Trudeau
Credit to Author: VICE Staff| Date: Tue, 05 Mar 2019 20:31:28 +0000
Look. Getting re-elected was never going to be entirely easy for Prime Minister Justin Trudeau, even when the competition is Andrew Scheer and Jagmeet Singh, who just earned his seat in the House last week. But it’s proven to be a long winter for JT, with two of his highest-profile female cabinet ministers resigning, and calling him out for his integrity to boot!
Now this SNC-Lavalin story has proven to be a real pain in the ole butt for Trudeau, as no one seems to be paying attention to his plans to put Canada on the moon (Maple Space Force?) or solve climate change once and for all. (First bit of advice, the biggest newspaper chain in the country is not going to be tricked into reporting on climate change, Mr. Prime Minister.)
The bar for re-election was always going to be a bit tougher than “I am not Donald Trump” but it appears that Trudeau needs some help convincing the media to move on from SNC-Lavalin. So, here are 100 ideas for Trudeau to pivot away from Yet Another Liberal Scandal Involving Quebec and Responding by Acting Like Toronto Private School Snobs towards something more re-electable.*
Reply to all of Donald Trump’s tweets with responses beginning with “sir.”
Go on Joe Rogan (or Hot Ones if he doesn’t make the cut)
Two words: Vegan tax
Two different words: Meat tax
Do the Momo Challenge
Get really good at Fortnite
Go for 2,000 more shirtless jogs
Go for a long walk in the snow with a really cute puppy
A really confusing tax plan that only benefits parents in two-income homes
Do something, anything, about affordable housing
Introduce the media bailout plan…but say it’s only going through after re-election
Pivot to video
Leak a sex tape
Ask yourself, “What would Stephen Harper do?”
End every speech with “….reality bites, man.”
Start building that pipeline yourself
Or: Admit you can build a pipeline or meet climate change goals, but probably not both
Redesign 2019 voting ballot to Do you have a crush on me? ☐ Yes ☐ No
Have a very public “wardrobe malfunction”
Go on WTF with Marc Maron, tell him about your guys
Justin and Sophie cosplay as Kenny Rogers and Dolly Parton and every time he gives a presser he says, “I got a little something for ya,” and the two of them launch into “Islands in the Stream”
Justin and Sophie cosplay as Bradley Cooper and Lady Gaga and every time he gives a presser she runs on the stage and says “tell me something boy,” and the two of them launch into a very sensual duet
Cosplay as Snow and perform “Informer” at the debates
Free tuition
Pivot to Baby Boomers
Get divorced to become more relatable to baby boomers
Join a Facebook hate group to become more relatable to baby boomers
Become a Q-Anon guy to become more relatable to baby boomers
Actually do something to address the opioid crisis
Promise to break up the milk cartel
Write a compelling 1,000-word essay for the Globe and Mail about how Schitt’s Creek is very quality family entertainment
Start rival media company NICE
Learn to make trap beats
100 percent female cabinet. “Because it’s 2019”
Legally change your name to JT-Money
Start a tag-team with The Rock
Sheepishly bring 338-pack of Timbits into next House of Commons debate
Start every speech with “My good friend Barack Obama says…”
Make Kawhi Leonard re-sign with the Toronto Raptors
Nationalize the Edmonton Oilers (Make Connor McDavid Great Again!)
Make the Blue Jays start the season with Vlad Guerrero Jr. batting second
Get into some kink involving… I dunno, mannequins?
Respond individually to every death threat in the Yellow Vest Facebook group
Give Cardi B Canadian citizenship
Make donairs the staple of a nationwide school food program
Guest edit Narcity Canada for a day
Introduce Jordan Peterson as a Liberal candidate
Start a drag career as Miss Pan D’Ering
Become Brooke-Lynn Hytes’ PA
Bring In and Out Burger to Canada
Excommunicate Tristan Thompson
Turn Saskatchewan into the world’s biggest outdoor waterpark
Let Quebec secede
Laisser le Québec faire sécession
Let Alberta secede
[spits out chewing tobacco] Let ‘berta go it’s own dang way
Challenge Singh and Scheer to an old-school street fight (Here’s how we think it would go if he fought the former)
Make a video with Kellie Leitch
Star in the remake of From Justin to Kelly
Smoke a blunt on camera. Just do it
Remove British monarchs from our currency and replace them with members of Nickelback
Rename New Brunswick, New Funswick
Rename New Brunswick to No Funswick, alerting tourists to the danger
Have a body double arrested and claim you were kidnapped and stuffed in a box shortly after the 2015 election and this is the first you’ve heard of any broken promises or ethical shortcomings. (Possibly Stephen Harper body double wearing a Justin Trudeau mask? We can workshop this on the private jet you will no doubt be sending by the time you finish reading this good-ass idea.)
Adopt a dog and make it the prime minister. Since it’s a dog you’ll basically still be in charge, but no one will get mad at a dog prime minister.
Do NOT make a cat prime minister. They do not respect the authority of man.
Pivot to lists
Make Ben Harper a senator
Fight Ben Harper now that he’s a senator
Do that naked walk like in Game of Thrones but with Brian Mulroney ringing the bell and yelling “shame, shame, shame…” as you make your way from downtown Ottawa to the Hill
Give everyone a free HBO subscription so they can watch the final season of ‘Game of Thrones
Make a decree renaming the Conservatives the Liberals and the Liberals the Conservatives, in the hopes that everyone will be confused
Make a decree making the NDP stand for New Dick Party
Peddle SNC-LavaLamps
Y’know, finally resolving the Indigenous water crisis would make up for this a bit
Just cancel the Saudi arms deal
Send Conrad Black adrift on a piece of ice … and Margaret Wente too
Invade Greenland
Learn to code
Leak to Sun Media you are thinking about instituting Sharia Law
Annex Buffalo, declare it New Vegas
Reveal that as a drama teacher, you taught BOTH Ryans
Pen a viral Trudeau-Timberlake fanfic Lustin’ Justins
Make all your talking points about how you went to Peru, did ayahuasca and, like, we just don’t get it, man
Bring back the Vancouver Grizzlies (who are we kidding, Vancouver doesn’t deserve a basketball team!)
Stage another charity boxing match against his greatest enemy: himself
Become a beauty YouTuber and start each vlog with, “HEEEEEEYYYYYY Guyyssss, JT here…”
Engage in corporate espionage to eventually end Huawei
Force Netflix to revive The Littlest Hobo
Star in a remake of Strange Brew
Double prosecute SNC-Lavalin
Something something Drake
Try to make Urkel’s “did I do that” his new catchphrase and only respond to questions about the scandals with said new catchphrase
Change the national anthem to Justin Bieber’s “Sorry” because, well, you’re sorry
Prosecute Doug Ford for allegedly selling hash
Point out that while you (allegedly) unsuccessfully pressured your attorney general into doing nothing, Doug Ford hired his personal friend as the top cop in Ontario and then fired a senior police officer who called him out on it
Join a K-pop group
Reveal his long con as the villain of a Wes Anderson movie
Admit you kinda screwed up here but you thought you were doing the right thing for the country and can we all move on, now?
Fuck it don’t admit your screw up and just keep doing what you’re doing ‘cause it’s totally working.
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