Give Up On Your New Year’s Resolution Now
Credit to Author: Jaik Puppyteeth| Date: Fri, 28 Dec 2018 12:15:40 +0000
Well, we’re there again. The end of another horrible year. It’s the time where we’re meant to reflect on the past 12 months and make some amendments to ourselves—changes towards betterment. It’s time to make our New Year’s resolutions. I’m here to tell you not to bother. Fuck your resolutions. Don’t even try. Whatever it is, you’re not going to stick to it. You should know yourself better by now.
Some articles are written from a motivational perspective to help bolster you and start the year off cheering you on from the sidelines. Unfortunately, positivity doesn’t work on most people. It works on people who have enough willpower to achieve their goals without any goading from a feelgood column about New Year’s resolutions, which is .05% of the population. These are the weirdos who can regularly set goals all by themselves, any time of year, without any prompting. For the rest of us, these motivational pieces only serve to give us a false sense of hope, and to ultimately intensify our inevitable failure. So let’s be realistic, break down the ways you can set yourself up for failure, and try to scrounge up some useful tips to be a better you.
What was your resolution going to be? Something tangible and quantifiable? That’s a big mistake. A definitive resolution is the worst kind because they’re backed up with facts. The exact number of pounds you won’t lose, your vacation fund short to the cent…mocking you.
Last year, I planned on reading a novel a week. 52 novels. As if I have nothing better to do with my day. I ended up reading less than half my goal. It’s the end of December and there’s an Agatha Christie novel on my bedside table, begging me to pick it up. I even tweeted about it to announce it to the world…to make it official, maybe to fortify some accountability. That tweet had so much blind optimism. A real zeal, as if I legitimately believed in myself. I know better this year. I know I can’t do anything. If you’re planning on making a resolution that has a figure assigned to it, just give up now. Throw in the towel, then pick the towel back up and cover your face in shame with it. And definitely don’t advertise your goals openly. Your one friend who actually has a good memory and cares about you will bring it up in June and then you’ll have to stop talking to them forever.
We’re wired for failure. This might sound a little radical, but a great way to not let yourself down is to self-reflect more than once a year. It’s not like filing your taxes. Take a thoughtful and critical look at yourself from time to time, and set some goals when you’re ready to. Small ones…short-term ones. Realistic goals that you can manage by taking things slowly. Adjust your shitty behavior patterns day-to-day, instead of taking way too big of a half-assed bite in the New Year. It’s only light out for like two hours a day in January. Do you really want to be trying to spearhead a dramatic lifestyle change in that dismal atmosphere? Isn’t wintertime already melancholy enough for you? This year I am going to make some monthly resolutions. I’ll probably still not reach some of them, but I’ll still have better odds than most. And if you’re reading this thinking you’re better than me, you’re not. Prove me wrong. Spite is a great motivator.
Jaik Puppyteeth is an artist and writer. Follow him on Instagram.