The Worst Movies I Saw This Year
Credit to Author: Noel Ransome| Date: Tue, 11 Dec 2018 20:55:12 +0000
It’s that time of the year when I get to release all my bottled-up anger on the movies that wasted my time. Given my job description as “writer who writes about movies,” I wasted a ton of time this year, even though I try to steer away from films I expect to be garbage.
So disclaimer, for my “worst movie” list: I didn’t go out looking for every bit of trash out there, so with movies like Gotti, it was viewed on a dare. But with others like Green Book, it was a genuine watch befitting the job description. But, the point is, I hated each and every one of these films to the point of salivating for the day I’d get to let it all out in public. So here you go, the films I hope you avoided in 2018. Reader discretion is advised.
Green Book
Being raised on Sesame Street, I was lured into this one thanks to my nostalgia for puppets. But even so, I wanted to ignore the puppet solving murders with the human friend thing like I wanted to forget Whoopi Goldberg’s Theodore Rex. Had this movie been any kind of funny, I would have excused it all, but screenwriter Todd Berger had no apparent idea how to make me laugh. The comedic dog turd dialogue speaks for itself: “For 50 cents, I’ll suck your dick,” says Melissa McCarthy’s detective puppet, to which McCarthy herself replies, “makes me wish I had a dick for you to suck.”
The Rachel Divide
Once upon a time, Rachel Dolezal was a white woman who cosplayed as a black woman and got busted for doing so. She claimed she was black, and benefited for being one, despite being far whiter than Lena Dunham during the winter season. Naturally, this orange mineral-based woman straight out of a Trader Joe’s, enthralled a nation with her desperation to be welcomed to the cookout. She made excuses, was shunned, and indicted for welfare fraud, and made a movie all about it because she had to remind everyone about her complicated thought process—as if my racially profiled, permanently black-ass had the patience to consider the money she made from this film.
Deadpool 2
I found Ryan Reynolds annoying in Deadpool 2. So annoying that I disliked him to the point of writing a whole glorified Ryan Reynolds hate post that never got published. Sure, maybe it wasn’t written that well, but I choose to blame it on the supreme Reynolds stans that exist here at VICE. I’ll give Deadpool 2 credit for bringing more action, and more jokes without fixing what wasn’t broken. But the unbroken still needed adjustments. Any dad joke can be funny the first time until wears out its stay. And Reynold’s completely embodiment of this self-deprecating character could stand to be a bit more smart than the comedic junk food of a poop joke. But then again, I’m a critic. I gave up my soul a long time ago, so maybe I was never the audience for this.
The Meg
I’m all for seeing Jason Statham punch a giant shark, but Meg doesn’t wanna be stupid fun like that. It wanted to be less camp and more serious. It wanted to walk into a fancy joint with a one piece suit and boxer shorts to boot. It doesn’t get, that in order to be beloved as camp, one has see itself as such in 2018, and The Meg, with all its deep-sea Megalodon crap, doesn’t identify itself as this.
Follow Noel Ransome on Twitter.
Sign up for the VICE Canada Newsletter to get the best of VICE Canada delivered to your inbox.