How to Be a Great Third in a Threesome
For straight cis men, a girl-girl threesome—aka the FMF—is a quintessential sexual fantasy. But bringing this fantasy into reality can take some effort, so much that the third, when they’re a woman, is often referred to as a “unicorn.”
“Everyone wants the party, but nobody likes to plan,” explains Vixen Vu, a cam model who has been unicorning since she became sexually active.
Though threesomes like these are often seen as a man’s fantasy, they can just as much be a safe space for queer women to explore their sexuality. “I started having threesomes with cis male and female couples just to dip my foot into the water,” says Suz Ellis, a sex blogger who’s been unicorning for two years.
“Unicorn hunters,” or couples who seek a third in the form of a woman, is a controversial term. “It can be a bucket list item for cis straight men and cis straight women as well,” Ellis says, referencing the issue with fetishization of unicorns.
So how do you make sure a couple doesn’t treat you as just a fantasy? What about all that potential relationship drama you could inadvertently get involved in? And how do you know who the right couple is in the first place?
How to Choose a Couple
If you’re looking for threesomes with couples you don’t already know, there’s a number of offerings you might consider online. To name a few recommended by experienced unicorns interviewed for this article: Reddit, Adult FriendFinder, Feeld, Tinder. If you’re meeting online, ensure that you’re in a group chat with both people in the couple and not just one ASAP. Before setting up the actual sex, video chatting is a good idea. A meetup beforehand in a public place to get pizza or coffee can also be a healthy screening measure.
If you’re choosing amongst couples you already know (such as those you’re friends with), you might want to do a different kind of assessment. Do you sense that their relationship is stable? Have you seen them have issues with jealousy or cheating before? Can you handle drama that could result from sleeping with them?
Vu says not to get too caught up rigidity. Sometimes the vibe can just be right. Being a third when the “couple” is a pair of fuck buddies can be fun, too.
“I’ve gone home with a couple from a bar before,” she says. “With open conversation, on the fly works great.”
Once you’ve set your sight on a couple, have some questions ready in mind.
Pre-Discussion
Vu says she thinks about the following questions: “Are they flirty? Are they experienced? Do they ask what I like? Are they genuinely interested in what gets me off?”
“Give each person in the relationship equal opportunity to talk and discuss what they like, what their boundaries are, if they had any expectations or fantasies,” Vu says.
Ellis says identifying the couple’s expectations and your role in that dynamic are important. “You can suss out from that if they want to use you as a prop,” she explains.
You can also ask if the couple has a wishlist. “Some people have one thing that is really important that they want to do,” Ellis explains. Common ones include: double blowjob, experimental girl-on-girl stuff, or a woman wants to try eating pussy for the first time.
Ensuring that you like both people in the couple as individuals, and then them as a couple, can also be prudent when setting up a threesome with a good dynamic all around.
And, as a unicorn, make sure you talk about your boundaries and sexual health concerns, such as the use of condoms.
You Don’t Have to Let Them Objectify You
Unless that’s what you’re into, of course! No kink-shaming here.
If you’re not about that, though, try to filter out couples if you can, and always make your wants and needs heard. Their response to your desires are just as important to analyze.
“I think that’s something I’ve learned to spot from a mile away: couples who treat it like I’m a one-nighter and my pleasure doesn’t matter,” Vu says.
If you’re seeking a couple online, the signs are often on their profiles or posts, according to Luna Matatas, a Toronto-based pleasure and sex educator leader. A big one can be that the threesome is billed as a gift for a partner’s birthday.
To Host or Not to Host?
Matatas says the decision of where to have a threesome is an aspect unicorns may want to consider.
“I prefer to host because I like to be in my territory,” Matatas says.
In regards to how to let a couple know when it’s time to leave following an encounter, she has some advice. “I usually recommend that people set something beforehand. Be like ‘Hey, we can have fun until about 10 because I have to get up in the morning.’”
Sometimes, she says, non-verbal communication can drop hints, too. This can mean taking a shower and/or getting dressed.
However you communicate, Matatas says to make it clear because people can be “blissed out” following sex.
If you’re going into the couple’s territory, see “The Escape Plan” section.
In Action: Navigating Consent, Directed Attention, and Jealousy
Communicating comfort and consent is super important, always. Because consent can change during an encounter, Vu says lots of checking in is a good idea. “Beforehand, I like to bring up the red light system, green/yellow/red: Green is good, yellow is caution and red is hard stop,” Vu explains. “Being able to stop the moment and ask ‘light?’ has been something that’s worked well for me.”
To make sure everyone feels like they’re equally part of the threesome—if that’s the dynamic you’ve agreed on—taking turns can be helpful.
“Not all unicorns are like this, but I like everyone taking turns being the center of attention,” Matatas says. “I want to play with both people and in a way that we all get to pile on each at different times.”
Jealousy, too, can be a persistent issue. Be sure to adhere to rules the couple has set out—a common one is “no kissing”—and to be aware of if one person in the couple is looking uncomfortable. “Sometimes it’s an unbalance in the couple, and one person wants it more than others,” Matatas says. “Sometimes you feel like an invited intruder.”
Ellis says she once met a couple on Reddit in LA for a threesome. The woman in the couple hadn’t ever been with another woman. When they got back to an Airbnb after meeting up in public, Ellis says the couple seemed stumped on what to do. “The husband put on the movie White Chicks… It messed with the vibe a bit,” she says. “I was on the bed with the wife, husband is just in the corner watching White Chicks. Things are progressing. She was really eager and really, really excited. Things were happening. I look over, and the husband is still watching White Chicks.”
“I think it was a jealousy thing. She really wanted it for sure,” Ellis says. “That’s something I would have expected the opposite of, so I was really shocked.”
Eventually, the husband pulled down his pants. Once he came (very quickly), the couple asked Ellis if she wanted to stay over. She declined and went home. This experience, Ellis says, reminded her that men can have jealousy issues too in these scenarios and how important it truly is to understand the vibe of a relationship beforehand.
Taking a Break
Taking breaks throughout to see how everyone is feeling when someone starts to act different or uncomfortable during sex can be helpful.
Also important: Having safety measures in your own back pocket in case of awkwardness or performance anxiety. Saying you “want to take a break” and go to the bathroom is an excellent measure.
“My worst threesome ever was with this couple that I had an amazing connection with the wife,” Matatas says. “They came over, and I could tell right away he was just kind of reserved.”
“He just really wasn’t that into it,” Matatas recalls. “No one had gone down on me, I had gone down on everyone, I hadn’t cum. And after he came, he just kind of rolled over.”
Moments like these can cause thoughts about being objectified as a unicorn to crop up. Taking care of yourself in those moments is crucial, Matatas says. “My spiralling thoughts used to go from, Oh, they’re not really that into me—to, Wow, nobody loves me, and I’m never going to find any partners.”
“It can kind of draw on our already-existent wounds and insecurities,” she says. “I use a mantra: I’m enough, I have everything I need, and I am beautiful.”
While on your bathroom break, Matatas says to scan the situation: “Is this something that I want to end? Or is this something that I want to create something different with?”
Aftercare
Matatas says aftercare can be an important part of a threesome experience.
She likes “cuddling all together in a big cuddle puddle, having some skin time; talking about what we liked, what we’re going to masturbate to later.”
Having water and food after can be a great way to end the experience. “If I’m hosting, I’ll make sure there’s fresh fruit,” she says.
The Escape Plan
“Stop when you want to stop,” Ellis says.
If you’ve chosen to go into the couple’s territory, whether that’s their home or a hotel room, you might want to have a plan in mind for your exit, or at least a set time for when you’re leaving.
“I’m going to go home,” often works just fine, Matatas says.
As far as staying the night with a couple after your encounter, Matatas recommends leaving this up to them to extend an invitation. (Bonus: this could mean morning sex!)
Reconnecting in the Aftermath
Sometimes, after a threesome, one person in the couple may contact you after. Especially if it’s the husband or boyfriend in couple you just slept with, you may want to be on alert as a unicorn. (And, probably don’t reach out to one person in a couple privately if you’re a unicorn—unless that’s an explicit, agreed-upon part of your dynamic.)
“As a third, there’s people who contact you without their partner knowing,” Ellis says. “I don’t want to surprise anyone. I want everyone to be involved in this conversation.”
Ellis told a woman in a couple she slept with that her partner had messaged her. She sent a screenshot. “She responded and said they’d been having some issues with cheating recently,” Ellis says.
“I think often guys think they can continually have both as on-going,” Vu says. If one of the people in the couple contacts you directly, such as in a message on social media, Vu says telling their significant other may be the best option.
If you’re contacted by one person in a couple after an encounter and find it to be “off” behaviour, Matatas recommends moving the conversation immediately to a group chat. “I’ll just say, ‘It would be great if the three of us could keep in contact.’”
Sometimes There’s Unavoidable Drama
“Inviting me into this special bond that you have… sharing this love with you for the night,” is a part of threesomes with couples that Ellis says she enjoys. But, that’s not to say that entering into that bond can be without unpredictable drama.
Vu recounts a strange situation that happened after she hooked up with a couple:
“I found out years later that a couple I had hooked up with, the woman who I was originally friends with told her partner that I didn’t like him after that night. I never brought up the threesome, and we eventually lost touch. I recently ran into the guy again who told me a completely different story: that she told him I wasn’t interested, didn’t like him, and asked that he not contact me. It kind of blew my mind because I literally had no idea there even was drama.”
But, as Matatas says, “If there’s going to be drama, it was already there before I got there.”
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