The Big Dick Energy on These Animals Is Off the Charts
What is Big Dick Energy? Humans are scrambling trying to define this new phrase, which VICE UK’s Emily Reynolds describes as, “a self-assurance that radiates from deep within and can be felt for miles.” But let’s not forget that modern humanity only represents a grain of sand in the sandcastle of life on Earth. Big Dick Energy predates homo sapiens, and it will live on long after we are gone.
The animal kingdom is overflowing with paragons of BDE. Free from the anxiety of self-awareness, their actions are pure. Because humans are constantly thinking about themselves, it’s impossible for us not to recognize our own qualities in them. Thus it is easy to tell which animals are BDE havers, and which are not. Here is a comprehensive list of BDE-having animals from our staff:
Cats
For obvious reasons, cats have some serious BDE. They don’t give a single fuck about humans. Actually, they have such BDE that unlike many other domesticated animals, they don’t need humans to survive, they simply settle because it’s easier and more convenient for them. Why get your paws dirty when a stupid human will feed you a couple times a day? They will destroy your furniture or knock over anything in their path all while looking at you dead in the eyes as if to say: “What are you gonna do about it hooman? Try me, I dare you.” And after an entire day of staying hidden until they want to be found and aggressively paw-swatting anything that is out of place, they will stand over your sleeping, unsuspecting, clumsy body and plan your death. Cats are Big Dick Energy. – Janae Price, Editorial Assistant
Dolphins
Have you ever seen a dolphin smile? You have, because they smile all the fucking time. You know smiles all the time? Animals with maximum BDE. We don’t even need to talk about how they are one of the only species who have sex just for fun, or that their BDE is so powerful that human people literally can’t keep their hands off them. All we need to do is look at this photo.
Honestly, I rest my case. – Dory Carr-Harris, Executive Editor, VICE US
Bears
Bears are not territorial, can eat pretty much anything, and have oral sex for pleasure. There’s a town in Alaska where bears will come over just to bro out and eat berries. Some bears are definitely too aggro not to be overcompensating for something. However, mama bears have enough Big Dick Energy to support the entire species. They don’t give a shit about hurting you, but if you get anywhere near their cubs they will rip you to shreds and move on with their day. – Beckett Mufson, Staff Writer
Penguins
It takes Big Dick Energy to waddle that slow, but swim that fast. To be the best attraction at any zoo you’re in. To feel the chill of the brutal whipping winds of the Arctic and shrug it off, lean into it. It takes Big Dick Energy to be both aquatic and flightless, a bird whose wings are just flippers. To call the largest of your species “Emperor.” To have a movie about your species narrated by the voice of God himself, Morgan Freeman. It takes Big Dick Energy to, um [looks at Wikipedia entry for penguins], live mostly in the Southern Hemisphere, have countershaded dark and white plumage, and feed on krill, fish, squid and other forms of sea life. To live half your life in water, half on land. It takes Big Dick Energy to have Happy Feet. – Brian McManus, Special Projects Editor
Raccoons
Raccoons are undoubtedly the bad boys of the animal kingdom. Truly: There’s no better word to describe them than “rascals,” because their capacity for mischief knows no bounds. They are creatures with magnificent amounts of swagger and may, in fact, be one of the few to possess what we call “Big Dick Energy.”
To begin with, just look at their outfits. Raccoon fur is basically a critter’s version of the leather jacket, and it’s been appropriated by both frontiersmen and the highest-powered version of Super Mario for that very reason. They’re also wearing fucking bandits masks at all times. Sick.
And they’re not content with merely looking the part of the outlaw. One day they’re scaling skyscrapers for no discernible reason. The next they’re performing Olympic-level gymnastics to steal your birdseed, all while looking you square in the eye, as if daring you to stop them.
You won’t. And having impunity to do what you want because you know you look good doing it is one of the many manifestations of big dick energy. – Allie Conti, Senior Staff Writer
Seagulls
So, seagulls: they fundamentally don’t understand why you won’t give them your French fries and won’t stop bugging you until you give them your French fries, but they aren’t gonna be any nicer to you whether you give them your fries or not. And they’re gonna move on no matter what. Big Dick Energy. –Emerson Rosenthal, Associate Editor
Spiders
Spiders have massive BDE. They do not give a fuck. They’ll enter your home and won’t even alert you, they’ll just sneak up on you in your food cabinets and closets. The fact that they just hang out on their webs letting their food come to THEM is almost offensive. Everyone else has to fend for their own food. When they die or leave, spiders don’t even clean up after themselves; they have no regard for others. Don’t even get me started on Daddy Long Legs. They don’t even need a BODY. Oozing BDE. – Anna Iovine, Social Editor, VICE.com
Stoats
Stoats have the biggest Big Dick Energy (Am I allowed to phrase it this way? I just want my stoat to have bigger dick energy than any of your dick energies) because they take down targets more than ten times their size, despite being small enough to step on. They’re cute just to fuck with you. They also do this stupid flailing thing. During an ice breaker at summer camp I was once asked my patronus—and when I explained why I chose the stoat no one wanted to be my friend. This was perfect because I didn’t want friends. I hate people. – Nicole Clark, Staff Writer
Octopuses
In the unlikely event that octopuses are aliens slowly invading the planet one grilled seafood platter at a time, that would be the ultimate Big Dick Energy move. Even if they come from this planet, octopuses are smart, confident cephalopods that can open jars, escape fishing boats, and change colour at will. In the event a cataclysmic asteroid, nuclear, or climate apocalypse wipes humanity off the map, octopuses could be the best-suited to evolve to the top of the food chain. Yet they are unassuming, content to rule the seas while humans destroy the earth. We could learn a lot from octopuses. –Beckett Mufson
Ladybugs
Sure, they’re small and cute. But does that stop ladybugs from being aphid-guzzling savages with survival capabilities that surpass Leo in The Revenant? Fuck no. Ladybugs have Big Dick Energy because they don’t need to overcompensate for their tiny size. They already know they look good (could you pull off a firetruck red coat with black polka dots? I don’t think so), and they don’t need to assert hyper-masculine aggression like cockroaches or spiders do (having “cock” in your name is already trying so hard, and if you have eight legs you’re definitely overcompensating for something. Fight me). I grew up in New Hampshire, where it’s freezing cold and snows at least seven months out of the year, and most insects disappear by the time winter rolls around—except ladybugs. They move into your house in August and stay all year, hanging out in closets, bathtubs, hanging plants, hard-to-reach ceiling corners, or on window sills, pillowcases, coffee tables. Everything else dies or hides, but the whole ladybug squad turns up. I also once watched one scale my wineglass, dive right in, and just start swimming around in Chardonnay, so I know they party. And the fact that they have a decidedly gendered name and still possess all this power gives them even more BDE. Down with the patriarchy. Ladybugs forever. –Meredith Balkus, Associate Editor, Global
Every Australian Animal
There’s something about Australia. From Crocodile Dundee to Hugh Jackman to Cate Blanchett, the continent positively throbs with Big Dick Energy. It’s a BDE that extends to the animal kingdom, because Australia’s many creatures are clearly imbued with the big dick spirit of not giving a fuck. Kangaroos, Big Dick Energy. Koalas, Big Dick Energy. Wombats, Big Dick Energy. Dingos, Big Dick Energy. Platypuses, Big Dick Energy. Emus, Big Dick Energy. Tasmanian devils, fucking tremendous Big Dick Energy. Have you seen Tasmanian devils mate? These things literally use their teeth to drag each other around by the neck when they fuck. Very big dick move. If Tasmanian devils could tweet, I guarantee that they would be tweeting about how their new boyfriend has a 10-inch, two-headed dick. Yes, they have bifurcated dicks. Females have three vaginas. I rest my case. – Michael Bolen, Director of Content Strategy, VICE.com
Neanderthals
Neanderthals have Big Dick Energy. There’s a theory out there that Neanderthals aren’t around anymore because they interbred with humans. Literally boning yourself off the face off the earth? That’s BDE. – Peter Slattery, Social Editor, VICE.com
Millipedes
Too many legs? Check. Moves around all weird and makes you wanna puke? Confirmed. Even more fucked up when you get real close? You better believe it, mister! First animal to live on land? It was on land 400 MILLION FUCKING YEARS AGO! Millipedes don’t have Big Dick Energy, Big Dick Energy has millipedes, and I don’t give a SHIT if that doesn’t make sense. Don’t put my name on this, Beckett. – Harry Cheadle, Senior Editor
Brontosaurus
The Brontosaurus, or “Thunder Lizard,” had a huge body and a tiny brain and was pretty much un-fuck-withable—until science declared it never existed. Non-dino-nerds may have thought the story ended there, but in 2015 some absolute legends wrote a 300-page paper declaring the Brontosaurus was back. Through pure Big Dick Energy, homeboy resurrected itself from oblivion. – Beckett Mufson
Animals That Get Revenge on the Humans That Mistreated Them
The elephant that killed a trophy hunter in Namibia? The tiger that attacked its trainer at the circus? The elk that gored a hunter after he had shot it dead? The wounded buffalo that killed the man who was trying to shoot it? The cows and pigs that get slow revenge by giving cancer and heart attacks to the people who spent their lives eating them? Big dicks, big dicks, big dicks across the board. – JLCT
Severed Snake Heads
When a snake is anywhere near a human being, the general response ranges from “ew” to mass hysteria. Unless you’re fucking Bear Grylls, you’re probably (and rightly) terrified that they’ll either send poison coursing through your body with an incredibly painful bite, or that they’ll strangle and swallow you whole. They do not give a fuck: they’ll bite your cute dog, they’ll move right on into your pool noodles, and even when you cut their heads off, they can still attack.
That’s why, although snakes probably have a good amount of Big Dick Energy on their own, severed snake heads are oozing with BDE. As one man in Texas learned recently, snakes can still sink their fangs into something roughly an hour after they’re decapitated. Even without a body to protect, with no need to sustain its removed stomach, snakes still have the ability to bite and attack, using just a little bit of brain function, in the last moments of their lives, solely—in theory—to enact one final feat of revenge. If that’s not Big Dick Energy, I don’t know what is. – Lauren Messman, Associate Editor
The Last Eukaryotic Common Ancestor
In the Proterozoic Eon, the first cells to switch from asexual to sexual reproduction were born. These little babies grew up to invent fucking, and are the common ancestor to all forms of life on earth. They were pure Big Dick Energy, embodying the spirit of BDE before dicks had even been developed. We all come from eukaryotes, and so does Big Dick Energy. – Beckett Mufson
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This article originally appeared on VICE US.